With Great Power...

***This post is a little scattered. I'm sorry. It was hard to write, but I need to write it.***



It's kinda crazy the power we have over our pets. I mean, I control every aspect of Truby's life. I decide where she lives, when she goes out, when she stays in. I decide what she eats, and how much. I decide where she goes, and what friends she has. And through training, I can even control her behavior.

I can't control her shaking her braids out

And yes, I've paid for this photo!

I do my best to make sure that the choices I make for Truby, and all my pets, are the best. I strive to find the best diet for their needs. I find the best homes for them I can afford. I try to tailor their playtimes and friends based on their preferences. I want my critters to be happy, safe, and healthy. 

I'm lucky to have lots of help. I know amazing people with wealths of knowledge and experience to learn from. I've seen more examples of what not to do than I can count! There's books aplenty, and let's not even the mention the internet. It's so easy to keep up with the latest knowledge and research. We can constantly learn more, learn better. We can share our experiences and knowledge with people everywhere! It's incredible. Of course, there's the downside where we can accidentally be misinformed, etc, but that's another post. 

I can also learn from my own experiences. I've made mistakes. I've done plenty of things I regret. I like to think that I didn't know better. Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. I do know I've learned and changed. I like to think that as I learn better, I do better. I try to help others, so they don't make the same mistakes I did. I try to be a good example. And I try, every day, to do the very best I can for my pets. Even when I don't want to. Especially when I don't want to! 

One of the scariest things is being responsible for their death. I'm used to taking care of them. My little dog, my cat, Truby. I'm comfortable taking care of them day to day. Seeing to their feeding, their medications. Spending time with them. Training, exercising, cleaning. The usual business of life. 

But there's a huge elephant in the room that we rarely think of, and almost always try to avoid: Death. As owners, we're also responsible for the death of our pets. We can control, for some part, when It's Time. A smart owner will take some time to check in with Death when things are good. Make decisions calmly and thoughtfully, so that when The Time is looming, you don't have to think quite so hard. Some things I think about are

• Money. What can I afford to treat? Short term, long term?
• Quality of Life. What do I consider an acceptable quality of life? For me? For my pet?
• Care. What care can I reasonably give? What can my home/barn provide?
• Emotional. What can *I* handle emotionally?

I think, for me, quality of life is most important. I want my pets to be comfortable and happy. I've spent some time deciding what that means to me. How I might judge that for my animals. I know what kind of medical care I can give my guys. I'm reasonably adept at the basics. Husband has great vet tech experience. I feel okay giving daily medical care if it supports a good quality of life. 

I think that deciding the financial aspect is really important. Emergencies are so stressful and emotional that trying to decide if you can afford a life saving treatment is the last thing you want to do. I've decided I won't put Truby through a colic surgery. It's not a fun decision to make. But it's made. I spoke with vets, other horse owners (that have done colic surgery) and my bank account. For us, it's a no. And I hope I never have to live with that decision. But at least I don't have to try and decide in the heat of the moment. 

I would be perfectly fine to never ride or "use" Truby again. She could be a pet the rest of her life, as long as I felt she was comfortable. She enjoyed life. She wasn't in pain - or that we could manage her pain. Truby owes me nothing. I love her. I can afford a big, expensive, useless pet. 

She makes me happy, so I guess she's not useless!

It's such a overwhelming sensation (for me, at least) to realize the kind of power I have over my pets. Not only do I control their entire lives, but I can have control over the ending of that life. For the most part, it's easy to push it to the back of the mind and not think about it. But when faced with an injury, or illness, or old age...the thoughts come to the forefront. It's time to make a decision. It's time to make a choice, and live with it. And maybe be living alone with it. 

For me, I'm making this choice for my cat, Sara. Sara's a pretty old kitty. I would love her to pass peacefully in her sleep. Just slip away during a little kitty dream. But things aren't so easy. Sara's been battling chronic infections for years, and we're at the end. Antibiotics aren't given to cure the infections, but to keep them "tolerable". We've added in mild pain meds. After realizing we were out of options for Sara, I really had to sit down and decide how I would decide it was Time. I talked to my vet. I talked to the husband. And I talked to Sara. 

No cats were harmed or even annoyed. 

Sara really loved competing at Hershey Groom Expo

- or she loved the attention showered on her to be more accurate

Sara has been more than 'just' a pet to me. Sara was my partner for years. We competed together. I showed Sara in dog grooming competitions. She was an amazing ambassador for cat grooming and creative cat grooming. We did Creative Runway competitions, done like an actual fashion show. Sara was totally calm and collected, always. She posed for pictures. She let strangers pet her. She was a rock star. She helped teach other groomers how to handle cats. Sara was always gentle and friendly. And tolerant. Sooo tolerant. Grooms we did were published in trade books. Sara helped me become kinda cool in my profession. 

A groomer posted this photo on Facebook (2012?)

Another groomer (I have no idea who she is) responded with

"I love how relaxed and happy that cat is!"

Yup. That's my Sara.

Sara was also my friend. She would sit on my lap after breakfast, and purr. I'd check facebook and email and whatever, and Sara would sit on my thigh and purr. Every day, for years. It was our thing. If something happened and we missed a morning, Sara was out of sorts. She needed our morning time. Sara was always the sweetest, most gentle cat I've ever met. I've met A LOT of cats in my life. But Sara was special. She was playful, she was friendly, she loved to cuddle. She loved to bonk her head on things. In fact, her vet records include the jokey warning of "aggressive headbutter". 

Sara has been an almost unbelievable friend and partner. I find it unbearable that she be miserable, in pain, or unhappy. I can't stand the thought of putting her down too soon. To end her life while she's still happy. It's a terrible balance to strike. To give her every day she can have, but to spare her any agony.  I've been vigilant. Taking extra care to notice every detail. Yesterday she sat on my lap before work. She didn't purr. She looked tired. And fed up. I could almost hear her thoughts " omfg, I'm so done with this. Why am I awake? I just want it to be done." And I knew the time had come. I felt it, deep in my heart, and as much as I've known anything, that Sara was ready. We are no longer managing her pain. She'd prefer to sleep. She's over it. 

Chilling after a grooming session

Sara always loved being groomed and relished the attention

We have one more week with Sara. Today she sat with me and purred. She's not miserable all the time. Or even most of the time. But the end is coming. Soon her infection will no longer be able to drain (there's a growth blocking the canal. As it grows it prevents the ever flowing pus to drain.) It will become more and more painful. Soon she will be miserable, and her waking time painful. I will take this week to enjoy every moment I can with her. She's still a loving, snuggly little cat. I will miss her so, so much. Sara owes me nothing, not a purr, not a cuddle, not a slow blink. But I owe her a painless death. To let her go before her life is misery and pain. To set aside how I feel and put her first. 

I owe Sara this not because of what she's done for me. Not because of the competitions, not because of the joy she brought me, but because she's my cat. I am responsible for her. I am responsible for making her life the best it can be...and also for allowing her the best death she can have. It's a power and a responsibility I have as a pet owner. It's a terrible burden. Right now I don't think it's worth it. Then I remember the life Sara has had, and how much better my own life has been with her in it. And yeah, it's worth it. Next week I will sit one last time with my little cat, and pet her, and tell her how wonderful she is. How much I love her. And that she'll have a little sleep, and everything will be better. Her infection will be gone. All her pains will be gone. She'll have sunny windows and watch birds. She'll have baby kittens to take care of. Friends to play with. And someday I will join her. Not for awhile, but someday. And we will sit together and headbonk and purr again. Someday. 

Silly little cat. She loved to look at the world upside down.