Mercury in Retrograde Part 3

 

Dr I arrived, doing a wtf chant of her own. As soon as she got the emergency message, she immediately thought, I just saw that horse and she was fine. I just saw that horse and SHE WAS FINE. I JUST SAW THAT HORSE. SHE WAS FINE!!! She was also alarmed by my demeanor. I'm usually pretty optimistic, good sense of humor albeit a bit dry and sarcastic. Laughter is my defense, but that day it was gone. What had just happened sat heavily on me. There was no optimism, no humor. 

I showed her the video and gave her all the information I could. What EB saw, what the boarder saw, what I saw. I also thought her mouth sores were back? Dr I spun her brain trying to think about what could have happened. Worried about Vesicular Stomatitis, she checked her mouth. Things were almost fully healed, she had just bitten herself at some point. Poor girl.

She continued checking Truby over, asking questions, trying to find out what could have caused this. Disease? No. We don't have EPM, the mostly likely cause, in Tucson. I reminded her we were from the East Coast, but no one back home had reported anything since we left. Even though it can lay dormant, there would have been many more signs before causing seizure. 

Food? No. Just not even a possibility. Especially with every other horse at the ranch being fine. Weeds? Maaaybe? I mentioned a particular weed Truby always wants to grab when I have her out. It was unlikely, but Dr I sent me out to get a sample. Growing up, I often went out with my dad, an entomologist and tree/plant guy. So many times I had seen him striding out, to a place only he knew of, to go find a plant or bug or whatever. I felt just like him, an image from my childhood, as I went out looking for a weed in a place only I knew. 

Turns out it was just a harmless whatever, besides, the amount a horse would need to ingest of most poisonous weeds, and the timeframe...unlikely.  

And on and on. Trying to find a reason. Anything and everything was discussed. All the while, Dr I was checking Truby, who stood so exhausted I thought she had been sedated. (She had been given a steroid). Once I realized she hadn't been sedated, I grew even more worried. She was so, so tired. Dr I checked for neurological issues. Everything with her face and head was great, but there was some concern about her back legs. Was something wrong...or was she just super sore and tired? It was hard to say. 

In absence of a reason, we just decided to treat her with heavy anti inflammatories and IV fluids. Dr I was worried Truby might not think, or be aware enough, to drink. Thankfully she was able to swallow normally. EB said she hadn't had much to drink that morning. We guided Truby over to a good spot, and started her IV.

Ever the best horse, Truby stood quietly for the catheter to be placed. And then it was time to discuss the elephant in the stall. 

Truby...wasn't there. 

While she was awake and responsive to stimuli, she wasn't Truby. She wasn't anyone. Her eyes were vacant. There was no personality there. Truby wasn't home. 

We waited. 

Truby had shown interest in her hay, so I brought her net over. She started eating steadily. But not like Truby eats, shoving her head alll the way to the bottom of her net, creating a tight funnel of hay. Diving down, then coming back up to look around while chewing. This time she just ate the top layer. Mechanically, nonstop. Chew. Chew. Chew. Chew. Chew. 

Eating was good though. She had burned a ton of calories and needed to replenish. Dr I and I chatted about nothing, she trying to distract me, me trying to be distracted. The IV flowed easily, and the sulphurous, bitter garlic smell of DMSO began to waft around us. 

After awhile, Dr I decided that Truby was unlikely to seize again. The only thing to do would be to wait. let the medications do their job and wait. She gave me instructions for flushing the IV line, feeding, what to watch for, and to check in that afternoon. She would come out tomorrow, but I should call her if anything went wrong. 

I stayed the rest of the afternoon with Truby. Just sitting with her, talking sometimes. Telling her what a great horse she was, how much I loved her. The fun things we had done together, how much she meant to me. Promises to love her no matter what. But please come back. I loved her so much.

I have a family member with a seizure history, and we texted a bit. She told me what it's like for her. How the feeling of dread or fear right before a seizure is normal, but during...she doesn't know what's happening. It's not scary, and she never remembers. She said afterwards she might feel cloudy and sleepy. She might not feel like herself for awhile. It passes. It helped a little. 

Another boarder was out, arriving right after the vet did. Afterwards, she came over and offered company and compassion. She works in end of life care, and is a very gentle person. I appreciated her kindness. She offered to go out and get me lunch. I thanked her, but said I would go to the Circle K nearby once the fluids finished...I needed to get away for a minute. She completely understood. And when Truby finished her fluids, I unhooked her, flushed the line, and left her to her methodical eating. 

I had been at the ranch for hours, with no water, not having had breakfast, and badly needing a drink. I stocked up at the gas station, and finally broke down crying on the side of the road. Hydrated but empty, I returned. Fellow boarder was still sitting with Truby, telling her stories when I returned. I was grateful she stayed, singing little songs and being with Truby. She drifted off and I sat with Truby again. Eventually I did my therapy session in her stall. Thanks to Covid, I no longer do in person therapy, instead we usually FaceTime. This time I simply called her, and began to try and process what had happened. I was drained by this point. We ended early, I was too tired, too worried. 

I checked in with the vet, fluids finished, Truby had been eating almost nonstop. She walked over and got a drink twice. I drove home for dinner and an attempt at a nap. That didn't work, and I went back out to give her some extra grain for dinner, flush her line again, and sit with her. I sang her the song that finally broke me earlier. Finally, I went home and fell into an exhausted, dreamless sleep.

Goodnight baby, sleep tight my love

May God watch over you from above

Tomorrow I'm workin' what would I do

I'd be lost and lonely if not for you

So close your eyes

We're alright for now

I've spent my life travelin'

Spent my life free

I could not repay all you've done for me

So sleep tight baby

Unfurrow your brow

And know I love you

We're alright for now

We're alright for now